Deanna

As probably the worst week of my life comes to an end I'm just praying I make the right decisions, hoping my confusion begins to disappear, and maybe things will begin to sort themselves out.
At the point where I have the best of both worlds, something anyone would die for, I wish I was far from it.
Having this thing everyone seems to want has made me feel lower than I've felt in a while.

The things I miss and the things I have, the things I hope to have and the things I want, are all bluring together, making the best thing for me to do impossible to see.

You scored as Wicked. You are born with emerald-green skin, smart, fiery and misunderstood. OR beautiful, ambitious and very popular. Looks aren't everything, ya know - learn to show the real you! </td> Wicked 42% Les Miserables 38% Cats 33% Hairspray 29% Avenue Q 25% Grease 0% What MUSICAL are you??? created with QuizFarm.com

I promise I'll write a longer one soon...

me and felissa are in the same clique- how cool are we?

I am a member of 1 clique of size 7

revontulet_, _explora_, grownupjacqui, raggedyrandy, amorcita03, societe, shequandra

Find the largest clique containing:

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01. Reply with your name and I will write something about you.
02. I will then tell what song(s) remind me of you.
03. Next, I will tell you who you remind me of, celebrity/animated or otherwise.
04. Last, I will try to name a single word that best describes you.
05. Put this in your journal

about to go to a birthday dinner.. ill post soon

you are darkcyan #008B8B

Your dominant hues are green and blue. You're smart and you know it, and want to use your power to help people and relate to others. Even though you tend to battle with yourself, you solve other people's conflicts well. Your saturation level is very high - you are all about getting things done. The world may think you work too hard but you have a lot to show for it, and it keeps you going. You shouldn't be afraid to lead people, because if you're doing it, it'll be done right. Your outlook on life can be bright or dark, depending on the situation. You are flexible and see things objectively.

the spacefem.com html color quiz

we're going to start this new years revolution before new years even takes place.
i've been home a couple of days now since aspen and it’s been nice. i'm always ready to go back to school once i'm home, i just don’t know why. as soon as i leave things start to hit me about how much they have changed, the paths certain friendships have chosen to follow, as well as (as Jessie put it) the "drama" which i don’t seem to see. Lauren tried summing it up for me and she said it’s because our "group" isn’t all friends anymore, certain people are friends with a few people but not the rest, but i saw that happen senior year, so i don't understand why it’s surprising everyone now. we haven’t been a "group" for a while.

i think all of us have changed in some aspect of ourselves, regardless of it being for better or worse, we've all started growing up. and there are some things i think about and miss so much.
for example, the other night at my house i had so much fun and its not even like we did anything, things were just back to normal and i was with my friends that know me so well. i haven’t felt like that in a long time, for the most part.

what else.
new years is tomorrow and i'm not sure what i'm doing, i just hope everything works out and everyone’s satisfied. people can be very demanding sometimes.
my anniversary is in a week. 1 year. it seems like so little and so long, to think that i've shared a year of my life with someone is so strange to me, 365 days that i've devoted to another person.

that’s really about all. i'm excited to go back; i miss my friends at school a lot but i know once i leave the feeling of regression deep in the pit of my stomach will return but so be it, i can deal, i'm learning how to.

this is a pretty long first entry, but there will definitely be more to follow... not until next year though.
(and everyone else is required to begin posting and commenting more, that’s what makes this fun!)

happy and healthy new year... let it be a year that brings out the best in us all

I agree with Jackie..

posting more often is going to be my new years resolution, its definately a way to keep in touch since I dont speak to most of you all that often.

I think we should all comment more too, it makes me personally feel special when people comment on what I write, like you guys care.

K I'm going to try going back to bed now, finals just keep me awake, its a problem.

Ill see all of you soon,
Deanna

do you ever feel like you can't do anything right?

join the club.



so many things in need of doing this week:
study for psyc
memorize the preterite form
learn the laws of binomial distributions
die in the next few days



maybe a good grade will prove me wrong, maybe theres something i can do right...
who knows, i could be in for a suprise

I know I’m a total attention whore and I know that I’m a snob when it comes to being loved, but right now I feel invisible to everyone, most importantly the one person who I toss all my attention at.
And I hate it so much.
I hate not feeling like a priority. I hate feeling like I’m limiting myself (gladly) but without any compensation for it.
I mean there are days where I’ll just want to talk to him, but it’s those days I’ll end up spending with my blanket and teddy bear.

-If someone you cared about was flying home to visit you for a weekend, would you throw a party for people your visitor didn’t want to be with, or chose to spend time alone with that visitor?
-If someone you cared about called you crying, would you stay with your friends or make an effort to talk to her?


I need to learn not to fall in love with the autograph, just to be in love when screaming the song. (If my analogy makes any sense.)

K so I'm going with my resolution and writing...
Everyone here is so into the Halloween spirit, its crazy. No one at home goes all out like this.
But so, I'm dressing up as a witch, if you guys wanted to know.
Its funny though, everyone takes Halloween as like THE opportunity to dress slutty because "no one is gonna say anything."
Personally, I think if you want to dress like that, then it shouldnt matter. But thats just my opinion.

Well, I had dinner tonite with my friends family because its parents weekend and my parents decided not to come until tomorrow night.

For some reason I'm really excited for Tuesday. Even though I cant vote, just watching history in the making is kinda cool. I remember the last election I watched it and I thought Gore won, but then they changed thier minds.
Whatever, I'm ecited.
Were making a party out of it.

I haven’t posted since I got to school but I guess all that matters is that I like it. Its a lot different than I expected, but not necessarily in a bad way. I've (surprisingly) made friends who I like. And it just feels good being here.
...only that it was so easy humming songs and holding hand with the boy in the stripped shirt that went to my high school. I was so much older then; I'm younger than that now.

I've realized that being in college makes you feel like you're tumbling downward, dropping lower and lower. Think of a bad dream where you fall, that's what my heart has started to feel like.

Its weird. I've gone home three times already. This weekend, Rosh Hashana, and Yom Kippur. Every time I'm home its really nice to see everyone, but leaving is just so hard. I feel like I'm leaving everyone I care about and love behind. And that all just makes me feel so alone inside.
And people have come to visit me too. Jackie came, my mom came, David came twice. But when they all leave they’re going back to a place they call home, the place they’re comfortable in.
Not that I'm not comfortable here. Its just different.

But ya. I can’t remember my life before his name, but his kiss is becoming my grave.
He’s a part of everything I do, everything I say. And I'm living for both of us instead of for myself, but the feeling of having someone else to live for as well is a comforting idea- a lot more likeable than living alone, having no one to share your life with.
(If that makes any sense to anyone.)
And it’s hard. Much easier to just end on good terms and let the feelings fade to memories, but that isn’t the right thing to do, nor what I want to do. I've never let hardship or pain or hurt come between me and anything, so I don’t see why it looks like such a fascinating route to explore.
Its so hard.
I just miss everyone. I miss the way things used to be before I left. Relationships. Friendships. Acquaintances.
Its hard for me to understand though. I wanted to leave home forever, but I haven’t seemed to get the satisfaction out of leaving everything I hated about home- maybe because I was running away from everything rather than confronting it.
I'm just waiting for things to fall into place. For that little click where everything starts to make a turn for the better.

I guess I just felt like posting- which is something I plan on really doing more often. It makes me feel good.

I hope everyone’s doing well. Thanksgiving is soon and I'm expecting a little reunion.
The beach maybe?
I need to get away from the cold- I'm dying up here already.

I want to write and I will soon.
I have a lot to say.
But with two midterms this week, a visitor this weekend, an essay due wed and monday...
I dont have any time right now.

I thought some of you might find this amusing..

Your Erotic LJ dream by cozzette
username
you went to bed feeling
You began to dream about	justpeechy18
who was	Licking you
in	thier car
with	leather on
which made you	howl
but was interupted by	revontulet_
who began to	get very pissed off
You awoke	thinking:"WTF!!!!!?????"
and you hope	that dreams do come true
chance of that happening:: 28%
Quiz created with MemeGen!

I write soon. Hope everyone isnt as frustrated and stressed as I am.

So I'm leaving for Philly in five days and I really don't know what to expect.
My crying every day is now crying three times a day and I'm not sure why.
I know I'm sad to leave, but I don't think thats why I'm upset. I feel like once I go nothings going to be the same. Everything from now and from high school is just going to be gone. And while part of me is really excited the rest of me is worried.
I'm worried my being away and my schedule and my everything will prevent me from making things work with David. I'm worried I'm going to be antisocial like I have been the past three weeks.
Do you know I haven't made plans with my friends in forever? And they're leaving, and I just choose not to be with them.
I'm worried that I'm going to lose sight of why I wanted to go away in the first place because I'm nervous and scared and want to be home. I'm worried for the first time in my life I'm going to be homesick and that my parents aren't going to be here for me to talk to. I'm worried that I'm not going to like it when I know everyone else will.
I'm worried about everything and I don't know what to expect and thats what worries me the most, that I'm not in control.

Your Ultimate One Night Stand... by crispnite
LJ Username
Favorite animal
You invite over...
They bring...
You talk about...
You end up...	taking a shower together
Quiz created with MemeGen!

So. This is my first entry since the end of the Columbia program last summer and well, i can honestly say that im pretty excited to start again. I always remember when i did it in 9th grade that when i was angry it felt so much better after writing, but ya, i also promised Jon I'd start writing so here goes...
Im in a really depressed frustrated mood.
Ive cried every day without exception for the past two weeks about going to school. Im not really sure what it is about it that scares me so much. It could be the part about going somewhere i dont have any close friends and having to do that all over again, leaving home, leaving my mom, leaving my friends bestfriends and boyfriend, leaving a place that i know and that im comfortable in. Its all so much to handle i think, im not old enough to be out on my own.
But its not only that. Its just lately in general, forget about going to school. Ive been so upset, i dont know why, its a different thing every day. I just want to crawl into my bed and cry.
I feel like ive lost everyone im close to. That i take people and friendships and everything i have for granted. That im a hypocrite.
I feel like other people take advantage of me. That other people make me feel like a hypocrite by being hypocrites themselves. That other people take me for granted.
Ive just felt so badly about myself lately.
I dont know. Theres so many thing im confused about, so many things i have to do.. and theres just so little time.
I leave two weeks from Monday.
And I just feel like everything that I've felt so confident with is kind of spiraling into the unknown, if that makes any sense. College is scary, meeting new people is scary, having to find girls I like is even scarier- I dont like girls, as a generalization. Not actually living in my house once I leave is the scariest. And then knowing if I hate being away that I can transfer is a comfort, until I think about disappointing people, my parents, my family, or transfering for the wrong reasons. And if I think about everything rationally, I know the main reasons I'm so scared and don't want to leave, but I can't do anything about it. Staying here would make things so much easier but all the while I've wanted to leave for as long as I can remember. I guess I should just hope that everything works out for the best. I should be getting excited for school, right? Not feeling regrets and depression.
ughh.
And for now I want to go to every restaurant that I like, be with everyone I know I wont see all the time, sleep in my bed for hours on end, do all the things I love to do, and I'm just not finding enough time for myself and for everyone else. (I'm really bad at dividing my time. Actually at dividing anything... my time, my feelings, my love.)


Were supposed to be really honest in these things.. that is the point, right? That everyone else gets to read how I feel? Is it just me or does anyone else feel weird being so exposed?

Hey everybody!
No one ever writes anymore so i decided to be the leader in this. Now, when everybody reads this you have to write somehting!! Especially because ive been sick for like hte whole week so u guys have to give m somehting to do with my spare time- like read your live journal entries. eww how bored am i?!?! Well, im actualy feeling a little bit better so...if anyone feels like driving to miami beach tonite and keep me company at home~ ur more htan welcome to. Congrats to the spartans on wining thier final game! umm, all my teachers sent home work for me...actually only mrs stiener , mr rosenzweig (who made it totaly clear htat would make the test up my first or second day bak!!) and my spanish teacher, i dont even know her name. How do u pronounce it elena? I hate her sooo much beyond belief!! Rabbi Marlo called me, but since most of u are in my talmud class u already know that...hehe. Well, thats as long as my entry is gonna get, so now its everybody elses turn to write. I love you all <3<3<3
always, deanna

Heyy ya all, Ive been in New Jersey for over a week now and im sooo bored...ive been with my couzins who are like 2 wathcing barney ~ and playing with 3rd and 4th graders- dont u guys feel sorry for me?!?! Now im finally with my cuzin thats my age 9on my last nite) and im sooo hpapy to be going home!!! Sean~ since u like nj sooo much u gotta tell em what u do here cause it suked ass. I just wanted to say hi since i havent written in a long time. My cuz jackie says hi!!...ele~ guess what!!! kk im outie ya all. love yaz, see u in school on thursday!! xoox <3 always,
deanna

heyy guyzz-
i just felt like saying hey to ya all. Thank gd we have a breal from this week~ from that IMPOSSIBLE chemistry test (rite veronica!?!) to 2 geometry tests...im totally relieved. For those of u who have school tomm...hahaha...i totally feel bad for u, ut dont worry i still love u :) kk, well im out` sleep tite and ill talk to u all soon...and dont forget, since im leaving on friday im expecitng a plane letter from all of u!! always,
Deanna

Heyy!! It took me awhile to figure out how to set this all up n stuff, but with elena and seans help...i got it. This is the first entry in this thing and Im still kinda confused about how it works, but its all good :)ummm, well im out cause i gotta go to sleep- hope to see everyone at monicas tomm nite. And just for sean~ I love u sooo much. xoxo always,
Deanna